So many times I find my head flooded with lies. I let my emotions dictate my thoughts. I let the shortcomings of earthly people and things reflect God. I model Him after flawed human beings. I forget that even the deepest human love I have ever felt is only a shadow of the way God loves me. I forget that the most overwhelming joy I have ever felt is merely a glimpse of what God desires to give me now and forever in eternity. It’s hard to imagine a flawless love. It’s hard to imagine a truly fulfilling joy. So my emotions tell me to settle. My emotions tell me to use a quick fix. My emotions tell me that it’s not worth the wait. That this is good enough. That instant gratification is fulfilling. But my intellect reminds me of the truth. My intellect reminds me of how many times God has come through.
As I was sitting in adoration last week, God spoke through my intellect reminding me of this: Jesus, You love me. You want to fulfill my deepest desire. You want me to totally surrender my trust to You. Jesus, You want to make me pure and holy. You want to transform my heart. To watch me grow. To fill my heart. To watch it overflow. You want to surprise me. You want to bring me to my knees in thanksgiving. You want to give me Your body. To lay down Your life for me. You want to be there for me. You want to pursue my heart. You want to adore me. To gaze at Your little girl in awe. You want to hold my hand. You want me. You want all of me. You want every part of me. You want my wounds, my insecurities, my fears, my flaws, my failures. You want to heal me. You want to restore me. You want to make me new. You want to be my savior. You want to save me. To speak to me. To touch me. To hold me. You want to feed me. You want all of me. You want to wow me. To make me fall in love with You. You love me. You love me more than I could ever understand. You love me for me. You love everything about me. You desire me. You adore me. You appreciate who I am. You value me. You think that I am worthy. That I am more than enough. You desire for me to let You in. To let You love me. To let You pursue me. To let You give me the desires of my heart. To let You pour Your grace over me. To let You overwhelm me with Your peace. To comfort me. To bring everlasting joy. You desire me. Y o u w o u l d d o a n y t h i n g f o r m e.
0 Comments
After a long day of student teaching, a PD seminar, practice, and a few errands, I stumbled into the chapel running a few minutes late for Adoramus. I was late because of course I had to bake myself some cookies after dinner. As I was kneeling in the dark chapel in front of Jesus, my mind kept wandering to my stomach. I must admit that I had a few too many cookies, and I felt like I was busting at the seams. Instead of allowing this feeling to become a distraction, my one too many cookies gave me a little food for thought. Here’s what I wrote in my journal tonight:
My body and soul are both extremely needy. I am constantly craving something. I often feel hungry. I often feel empty and lonely. This hunger, emptiness, loneliness, and silence can be uncomfortable. But these uncomfortable times are full of beauty and can become very fruitful... If my hands are too full, I will not be able to feel Jesus’s touch. If my heart is too full, I will not have an ache, a longing, a hunger for Jesus. I will not have a want to be filled. It is good to feel emptiness. It is good to feel hunger. It is good to feel need. If I am never alone, I will never be able to feel God’s company. If I am never in silence, I will never be able to hear God’s voice. If I am never in need, if I am never struggling, if I am never helpless, I will never meet my Savior. Yes, joy, love, beauty, truth, and all that is good points is to Jesus, but there is something about our weakest days and our loneliest hours that awaken the cry of our hearts, the longing of our souls, the need in our lives for a Savior, for a Deliverer, for a Love beyond any on this earth. These times expose a hole that demands to be filled. That demands attention. That demands for us to go in search of someone to heal us, to renew us, to restore us, to satisfy us. This is where we meet Jesus. The Way. The Truth. And The Life. The Bread come down from Heaven to ceaselessly satisfy our raging appetites. The Bread come down from Heaven to heal every wound, to break every chain, to restore, renew, and refresh our souls. To breathe new life in us. To awaken our senses. Not only to awaken our hopes and dreams but to fulfill our wildest dreams and to satisfy our deepest desires. If we never dream, never hope, never pray, how can God make our dreams come true, fulfill our hopes, and answer our prayers? If we are never hungry, if we are not in touch with our hunger, if we never feel our hunger pains, we can never experience the satisfaction of being filled with the sweetest food known to man: the Body and Blood of Jesus veiled by the appearance of bread and wine. Veiled only as an invitation to taste and see the goodness of the Lord, as an invitation to believe, to trust that this tiny piece of what looks like bread is truly, literally, substantially, Jesus, present in the flesh. Jesus, given to us by our good good Father. Jesus, given to us as nourishment to carry us through this life to the next. Jesus, given to propel us into perfect union with God in eternal life. This is what I am made for. This is what makes my heart burn. This is what gives me purpose. It is absolutely crazy to believe that the God of the universe has given us the presence of Jesus in something so simple and ordinary as a piece of bread.
Sometimes we go out looking for something extraordinary to happen, so we can "find God." But all too often God makes Himself known to us through very ordinary things. We don't have to go out searching. God's presence can be found in all things at all times. It seems like we're always praying for a miracle in this situation or that situation, but isn't it a miracle today right now that you and I can take a breath? Isn't it a miracle that we can walk and talk and smile and say hello? Aren't we all living breathing miracles? Call me crazy, but I believe that although under the appearance of bread, this host is substantially Jesus. I believe that God makes Himself available to us here on earth in the Eucharist. I believe that when I walk into the adoration chapel, I am looking at Jesus in the flesh. I believe that when I receive the Eucharist during mass, I am receiving the Body of Jesus Christ. I believe that by His grace and His gift of Himself, He will one day welcome me into Heaven to live in absolute perfect joy forever My sore loser nature automatically shouts it every time my beer pong opponent successfully sinks their last shot.
(I don't want to lose! I long to stay alive! I want the fun and games to continue! Even though my beer pong skills haven't earned the win, I NEED REDEMPTION to win the game) This typical college experience seems to be the epitome of our earthly/worldly culture, yet it points to one of the most significant truths of existence: Our souls long for redemption. Our hearts were created to be fully satisfied by God and the joy of being in complete union with Him in Heaven(closes we get to this Union on earth is by receiving Him in the Eucharist in COMMUNION). We want to win the game! We want to triumph! (Our yearning to win the game of beer pong points us to a yearning to triumph in life and make it to heaven) But our beer pong skills as well as our flawed human nature fails us. We cannot earn/work our way into Heaven. We NEED redemption. We NEED a Redeemer. Redemption: the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt. We NEED our debt, our beer pong loss, our sins to be cleared. (In order to triumph$ There is no other way except by REDEMPTION that we have a shot! It may seem absolutely crazy to compare beer pong to the redemption freely offered to us by God, but we as humans love analogies. We learn and understand by relating to things. Even Jesus taught using parables. What if this whole God thing is real? What if everything the Catholic Church teaches turns out to be the TRUTH? How different the world would be if we lived as if we truly believed every word of it. What if today was our last day and tomorrow we die to find ourselves face to face with God?
Well, I decided a long time ago that I am buying into this whole faith thing, but today I am reaffirming my decision. I want to live as if it's all true because frankly I've been really doing my research over the years into my Catholic faith, and it makes a heck of a lot more sense than how the secular world explains things. The deeper I dig into my Catholic faith the more I can affirm that it is truth. I'm definitely not claiming to have zero doubt at all in my faith life, but I can tell you one thing for sure: I would much rather put my faith in God than in this world. This world doesn't come close to satisfying the deepest longing of my heart, which can only mean 2 things. Either... 1.) I was created with this aching, longing, yearning heart just to get disappointed for the rest of my life. Or 2.) I was not created for this world alone to satisfy me. I was created for much much more. I was created for eternal union, eternal joy, eternal love with God in Heaven to satisfy my heart forever and ever. Today I choose option #2 |
AuthorI've shared my story and my mission. Now I would like to share my heart with you. Here are some posts I've written over the years. Most are inspired by my prayer. Archives
March 2019
|