Every day I wake up and go to ‘school’ for an hour. I sit in front of the greatest Teacher in the world, and He looks back at me with the deepest love I’ve ever known.
I used to only go to adoration when I had time to squeeze a visit to the chapel into my day. I used to only go to daily mass when I had an extra half an hour to spare. Now, when we travel with softball and I don’t get to go to mass and holy hour every day, I feel like something is missing. It’s much more difficult to pray on the road when I don’t have the opportunity to be face to face with Jesus. I’m very lucky this semester to only have 3 online classes, so when we’re home, I do have more time during the day to visit Jesus than in past semesters. Last semester when I was student-teaching, I did not have time to go to daily mass or holy hour (or so I thought). In the past, I’ve given Jesus the time I had left over after doing everything else I had to do in my day. I used to think that when I didn’t pray consistently, it was because I didn’t have time, but now I realize it wasn’t that I didn’t have time. I didn’t pray every day because I didn’t have love. I don’t pray every day because I have extra time. I pray every day because I am in love. I love goodness. I love truth. I love beauty. How could I not have fallen in love with the person who embodies all three? I am in love with Jesus, who is goodness, truth, and beauty. I am in love with Jesus because I have seen the way that He looks at me and loves me. He teaches me how to respond in love through the way He loves me. Now I’m not saying that if you don’t attend daily mass and holy hour every single day then you don’t love Jesus. What I am saying is that I know I need to sit in front of Jesus every day or I will get frazzled throughout my day. What I am saying is that I know I need to receive Jesus at mass every day or I will feel empty throughout my day. What I am saying is that in order for me to love, I need to first sit in front of Jesus in adoration and be loved by Him. What I am saying is that in order for me to give myself to others, I must first receive Jesus’ body that He freely gives to me at mass. What I am saying is that I am my best me when I take the time to go to ‘school’ every day to first be loved by the greatest Teacher, Father, and Lover to ever live. Thank you for coming to my TED talk that was inspired partly by adoration this morning, partly from my master’s class on curriculum (hence the ‘school’ and ‘teacher’ reference), and partly from a Matt Fradd podcast I listened to earlier (Steven Rummelsburg on why modern education is not fit for humans).
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Today is the Solemnity of St. Joseph Spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary, so while reflecting on St. Joseph & today’s Gospel in prayer, here’s what came to mind...
The way that Joseph responded to the news of Mary’s pregnancy is exactly what I want in a husband. Joseph, a “righteous man,” was gentle enough to quietly divorce Mary when he found out that she was pregnant out of wedlock (or so this was his intention). He had no urge to shame her, no jealousy, no anger toward her. His heart, I’m sure, was full of sorrow because he loved Mary and did want to marry her. But he also had a duty to be a righteous man. His intentions showed that even with the news of Mary’s out of wedlock pregnancy, he still wanted the best for Mary. He didn’t want to “expose her to shame.” His heart was not prideful or full of vengeance. It was full of a sense of duty and of love. Then, the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him to take Mary into his home for she had conceived a child by the Holy Spirit. This tells us that Joseph was open, available, and attentive to what God’s will for his life was. When Joseph awoke, he did what the Lord commanded. Joseph was humble enough to listen and bold enough to act. He trusted the Lord to do this, which means that this great trust in God had been built over much time before this event. Joseph had to have been obedient to God in many small ways leading up to this moment, which undoubtedly provided a sturdy foundation of virtue to draw upon in this monumental act of trust. Joseph protected Mary through her pregnancy. He provided for her through his righteous work as a carpenter. Joseph was a simple man; he worked hard, did what was right, and fulfilled his duty. He served with love and humility, yet also with boldness, leadership, and strength. He was obedient, chaste, and disciplined in virtue. He was open to God’s will and receptive of grace. His desires and intentions were rightly ordered. This is what I desire in a husband. Joseph is what a real man looks like. Quite a few of my guy friends are doing Exodus 90 right now, which entails giving up a number of things including social media for 90 days, so they probably won’t see this. But I would still like to applaud the change I have seen in many of these men because of their relationship with Jesus, their community with other men, and their discipline in striving to build virtue. These friends of mine are becoming men. They are doing such a wonderful job of protecting the women around them and loving us in the most beautiful and pure way. I am so proud of them for striving to fulfill their duty as men as Joseph did. Here is today’s Gospel for your own meditation: Matthew 1:16, 18-21, 24A Jacob was the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary. Of her was born Jesus who is called the Christ. Now this is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about. When his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found with child through the Holy Spirit. Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man, yet unwilling to expose her to shame, decided to divorce her quietly. Such was his intention when, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home. For it is through the Holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her. She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” When Joseph awoke, he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took his wife into his home. As I sit in prayer, I am often tempted to grab my phone to plan my day with Jesus or to text the people on my heart. Often times I go in with a plan of what I want to pray about, or I have a spiritual book I want to read.
But today was different. Today in adoration, I just looked at Jesus, and He looked at me. Then I looked above Jesus to the crucifix hanging in the church, and I started to meditate on the sorrowful mysteries bc I hadn’t done a very good job of this during my rosary earlier. I imagined Jesus’s agony in the garden, His arrest, His scourging, when He was mocked and crowned with thorns, His long and painful journey of carrying His cross, falling, bleeding, and hurting along the way, His pain while hanging on the cross, looking into His mother’s eyes and giving us His mother to be our mother, and finally Jesus’s death. “I would do it again for you.” These are the words I heard echoing in my heart over and over. “I would do it again for you. I love you.” My response to Jesus in my journal: Jesus reveal this self-giving love to me. This arms stretched wide holding nothing back love. This emptying of Your whole self love. Teach me this love. Reveal it to me. Help me to feel the magnitude of Your love. Teach me to love in this way. To give of myself. To freely give of myself. To make a gift of myself. To hold nothing back when I love. To give everything. To be vulnerable. To be hurt-able. To be reject-able. But to do it anyway. Today I felt movement in my heart during prayer, but it’s not always like that. I know that it’s okay to make my to-do list with Jesus and read spiritual books in His presence, but today reminded me that sometimes I need to just sit eyeball to eyeball with Him and meditate on His life, especially His Passion. “There is more merit to one hour of meditation on My sorrowful Passion than there is to a whole year of flagellation that draws blood; the contemplation of My painful wounds is of great profit to you, and it brings Me great joy. Remember My Passion, and if you do not believe My words, at least believe My wounds.” (Diary of St. Faustina) “When you reflect upon what I tell you in the depths of your heart, you profit more than if you had read many books.” (Diary of St. Faustina) God is never outdone in generosity. He longs to give us the desires of our hearts.
When I was looking into colleges as a senior in high school, I was recovering from a torn ACL. I had only a few small offers to play college ball, and I wasn’t really sure what degree I wanted to pursue. After having my senior year of travel softball, volleyball, and basketball taken away from me, I deeply desired to play college softball. I also desired to stay close to home and to play for a school I would take pride in representing. Not only was I concerned with athletics but I also knew that I wanted to pursue a degree which would enable me to help others. I loved speaking at retreats, organizing Sisters in Christ meetings, writing about meaningful things, and having heart to hearts, and I desired to find a career path that would incorporate similar tasks. I believe that God has a specific and unique mission for all of us. God attracts us to our mission through the deepest desires He places in our hearts. He also equips us with specific and unique gifts, talents, and opportunities. Along the way, He guides and strengthens us with His grace along with the prayers of others to fulfill our mission. Throughout my time at Nicholls, it has become evident that this school as well as all the people I have encountered here are part of my mission. Many of my deepest desires have been fulfilled here. I was able to play college softball for great team. I was able to earn a degree in Secondary English Education. I was able to speak at retreats, lead Bible studies, assist in creating Verso L’Alto (a Christian student-athlete group), enter discipleship, and become a discipler through FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students). Through the grace of God and the prayers of many, my will has been strengthened, my intellect has been sharpened, and my heart has been soften here at Nicholls. I will be forever grateful that God has led me to this university, which has provided me with many graces, opportunities, and lifelong friends. As I have mentioned before, God longs to give us the desires of our hearts. The Lord is never outdone in generosity. He will provide if we let Him. I hope all dads treat their daughters like mine treats me. My future husband definitely has some huge shoes to fill. I am so thankful for the life my dad has provided for me. Not only has he set the standard high for my future husband but he has also given me a glimpse of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. It’s absolutely mind blowing to think about how my earthly daddy’s ability to love me is only a shadow of God’s ability to love me. If an earthly father’s finite love is capable of filling my heart so much, I can’t help but think that my heart would absolutely explode if my Heavenly Father fully revealed His infinite, unconditional, eternal love to me here on earth.... But maybe God thought of this. Maybe God knew that our weak, flawed human hearts would not be able to handle Him revealing Himself fully to us here on earth. So maybe that’s why He gently calls us. Maybe that’s why He reveals Himself to us little by little. Maybe God is a perfect gentleman who pursues our hearts at the perfect pace. Maybe He has our hearts figured out and knows exactly what we need. Maybe He has designed His plan to reveal Himself to us keeping in mind that He must be gentle with our human hearts. Maybe that’s why He chose to give Himself to us in the form of something so small and simple as bread and wine. Maybe He uses this mystery, the mystery of how a small piece of bread can substantially change fully into God, to intrigue our human senses, to draw us closer to Himself, to pour His grace on us, and to reveal Himself more and more to us with each reception of His body and blood. Maybe He uses this thing called Communion to allow Heaven to touch Earth. To literally give us His body. To literally nourish our bodies and our souls. Maybe God is a genius and knows what He’s doing. Maybe we’re just pee wee little humans who are taking a while to figure it all out.
So all dads out there reading this, love your daughters and give them a glimpse of the Father’s love for them. Turn their hearts toward our Father through your example of His love. Dads, love your daughters to the Father. |
AuthorI've shared my story and my mission. Now I would like to share my heart with you. Here are some posts I've written over the years. Most are inspired by my prayer. Archives
March 2019
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